Depression (otherwise known as…life)

There have been too many blog posts, Facebook status messages, Tweets, etc., to give us the general idea that the term “depression” is used too often, many times in cases where it is not true depression. I won’t bore you with another one of those. I will, however, tell you about my struggle with depression. I will tell you about the life I lead in spite of the depression. I will tell you about how I’ve watched others deal with depression. I will probably tell you some other things I hadn’t planned to tell you.

 

Sometimes, I look at my life and think, Wow…it really is kind of screwed up right now. Anyone would assume that it is in those moments that I feel the most “depressed.” Unfortunately, it usually isn’t. In moments like those, I almost feel empowered. I see my life as it stands, and I know that there is a way out. I just have to work towards digging myself out of the screwed up parts, and provide a better future for myself and my children. It’s really very simple. I don’t feel depressed then, because a solution is at hand, and I have faith that the solution (even if I can’t see it right away) will make things better.

 

Then, there are times when–despite the screwed up parts–I really am happy. I’m happy with my current situation as long as I’m making progress towards something better. I’m okay with not having all the answers, and I’m fine with things looking terrible for a while. It really isn’t all that bad. And then, it hits me. No matter how happy I am with the current daily life I lead, there are times when it just isn’t enough.

 

I had enough money to cover my bills, and I had food in my belly. I had a place to sleep, clean clothes to wear, and I got to spend time with people I love. I was able to do a lot of things I wanted to do, and see a lot of things I wanted to see. I was blessed with more than that, and even that wasn’t enough to keep that monster away. Even smiling, I could feel it creeping in. That depression monster just kept coming.

 

That, for me anyway, is depression. It’s that monster that creeps in whether you’re happy or not. It’s that terrible feeling of…Well, who really cares? Oh well, I don’t…regardless of the actual climate of my soul. It’s that thing that keeps me awake, even when I had an amazing day. It’s that thing that makes the bad times worse, and makes the good times pale somehow. It’s that part of me that I just want gone. I want to fight it. It’s just too big. How do you fight a monster you can’t see?

 

Worst of all, I’m watching someone else struggle with it, too. Like a mirror reflecting my own demons back at me, I’m watching the monster slowly eat away at the happy times of another human being. I’m watching, daily, as that monster grows. I’m watching as nobody but me cares. I can’t fight that monster because my own monster won’t get off my back. Like these two monsters are feeding off of each other, it goes back and forth. One day, my monster is stronger. The next day, the other monster is stronger. Sometimes, they’re both as strong as they can get and we’re left feeling empty from the struggle.

 

My family watched it destroy their lives…over and over. My grandmother watched it destroy her marriage. My mother and her siblings watched it take their father away from them. Other families watch as this monster takes people away too soon. Sometimes they know it’s happening, and sometimes they have no idea that the monster even exists. Again, how do you fight a monster you can’t see?

 

What do you do when the medication doesn’t work? What are you supposed to say when medication isn’t even an option? How do you cope when the monster grows stronger than you? What plan can be made for the day when it finally wins out and rips you apart? There are no easy answers. For each person, that monster has to be starved a different way. Combat strategies will vary because people vary. Their demons vary. The struggles they face aren’t the same as the struggles others face, regardless of what others would have you believe. We’ve all been on this, “We’re all human and dealing with the same issues,” kick lately…and that’s simply a lie. Even if you’re dealing with the same thing I’m facing, our struggle is different. Our experiences are different, and our feelings are different, therefore our reactions will be different.

 

The point? There isn’t one. That’s kind of how depression feels in the lives of those that suffer from it. There is no point. There is no reason it should be happening. There’s no reason to be unwell, and yet you clearly feel unwell. You know there’s something “wrong,” and yet…you get up for another day and fight another battle.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: The unseen Victims of Depression…hearing their song « Let me tell U a story

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